The Reporter
by footshooter
Summary: Pepper *told* Tony it was a bad idea to do an article on his life saving the world with the Avengers. Don't ever let him tell you otherwise.


Tony Stark strolled into the kitchen, chatting idly to what looked like a reporter. Bruce Banner vaguely recalled Pepper bitching to him about how Tony better think on not to take said reporter into his bedroom like he usually did for interviews. Bruce awkwardly shrugged, hands in his pockets, half smile on his face, and of course said that he was _sure_ Tony wouldn't even _think _about something like that because he was obviously happy in their relationship and not even looking elsewhere, and there were plenty of other decent rooms for them to talk in...

Bruce never did tell her about Tony buying 6 porn magazines last time they were out shopping. He idly wondered where they were right now and how Tony got to be so good at hiding shit like that.

But then again he hadn't told her because he was sure she'd shout at _him _in Tony's absence and she was kinda scary. Especially when she was upset at Tony. Which was, seemingly a lot. He wasn't sure why someone would be so angry all of the time if they didn't have to be.

"What are you doing in here?"

Bruce looked up at Tony, who was standing in the middle of the room staring at him and raised an eyebrow, gesturing to the plate of pasta in front of him.

"Eating?"

"I thought you were working."  
"I do get hungry Tony. People do that. And, well, you know I get _cranky_ when I get hungry."

"Could you eat in the lab, please? I kinda feel like Pepper's stationed you here to make sure nothing untoward happens."

Bruce's mind flashed back to earlier when he was in the lab trying to take a blood sample from his own arm and running a spectrometer over a sample of his urine at the same time, just to see how much gamma radiation he emitted. Because he still didn't understand exactly _why_ his skin didn't seem to fire it off, if you took radioactive tablets in chemo you emitted the stuff and it died down. And yet, he didn't emit. It just stayed there, in his blood. It wasn't even in his pee that much. He seemed to be synthesizing it, rather that letting it degenerate. He had nodded and said yes to Pepper a lot, but only now was he realising what she'd actually said.

Which was something along the lines of, _'Hey, Bruce. I have to go out. Can you do me a huge favour and make sure Tony behaves himself when that reporter comes over. I'm still not easy with him letting whoever it is into the house…"_

Bruce had been duped by his own rudeness. He supposed it was his own fault for not really listening. He would never have agreed otherwise. But somewhere in his guilt-ridden mind he kinda felt like he owed Pepper for ignoring her. The ache in his arm where the needle had slipped when she spoke and startled him (ah, hold off big-guy, no need to use _every_ moment of weakness to break through) throbbed and reminded him of that. Damn, he needed to get rid of the fact he felt guilty about _everything possible_.

"Bruce, seriously? Are you even in there?"

Tony's fingers clicked in front of his face and he jumped backwards away from the sound. Tony walked back a couple of steps, narrowing his eyes at him, making sure he didn't get a little _green_ around the edges.

"Um, sorry. I was thinking about… equations. I won't bother you."  
"Ah-huh. Right. Yeah, okay."

Tony spun around, motioning for the reporter (a very pretty lady, Bruce noted, who was smiling a winning smile and flashing a little too much leg and cleavage to be professionally decent) to sit down.

"Okay, we'll just ignore my friend over there. He's pretty much part of the furniture."

Bruce rolled his eyes and stabbed some pasta with a fork.

"Would you like a drink?"

The lady graciously accepted his offer, and Tony smiled and walked over to the bar.

"_Did_ Pepper put you up to this?" he muttered at Bruce.

"Um, would I do that to you?"  
Tony narrowed his eyes, "She's a very persuasive lady."  
"Okay, fine. Yes. She did. But I wasn't paying attention at the time when I agreed because I was," he motioned to his arm, "and running tests using the spectrometer-"

"Did you put piss in my instruments again?"  
"Yes, but it was necessary."  
"When is that ever necessary?"  
"What do you want me to do? I cleaned up. You know I need to do that stuff. I'd really rather not, to be honest but-"  
"Yeah, that really doesn't matter, I was messing with you," Tony waved his hand dismissively. "Continue with Pepper."

"Um, yes. She said something, I said yes, I came to eat and you walked in and I had a flashback and now I feel kinda bad for her because I wasn't _listening_ when she was speaking to me and-"

"Ever the gentleman."  
"_And_ unless she was correct to want someone to keep an eye on you _why_ would you be so concerned?"

Bruce was impressed with that point, and took it as a win.

Tony shrugged, "I'm not concerned." Although he did want to slap the smug look right off Banner's face.  
"Whatever, Stark. You can't lie to me."

"What, does the radiation give you lie detection now? Who are you? Loki? Do you have magic powers or something?"

Bruce sighed, "See, now _you're_ upset at me too. I honestly can't win."  
"You need to learn to let go of that guilt, my friend. Or else Pepper will latch on."  
"She's not-"

"She's a woman. Of course she will. Anyway, I'm not upset. You're too cute to get upset at."

Tony smiled at him and took whatever drink he'd just concocted back over to the reporter while Bruce tried to work out whether he'd just been insulted or complimented. He decided not to think about it. Sitting down in front of the lady, Tony became all Stark PR-stereotype friendly and basked in the attention while Bruce sat awkwardly at the other side of the room, conscious that people were around him and developing an irrational fear that he was going to drop pasta or something and Hulk out.

The reporter was fluttering her eyelashes and pouting and leaning forwards just a little bit too far and Bruce actually felt embarrassed on her behalf when she started shrieking with laughter at something Tony said that wasn't really even that funny.

He had to hand it to Tony; the man was able to put up with a hell of a lot of fake in his life.

After fifteen minutes or so of inane chat, they got on to the subject of the Avengers and Tony got an evil glint in his eye and Bruce was just about to jump from his seat and scurry back into the lab when the bastard said,

"Hey, if you want a piece on the Avengers, how about we make this a two man interview?"

And he was suddenly there, at his shoulder, smiling and prising Bruce out of his chair and steering him over to the chairs where he and that woman were sitting. She looked shocked. And incredibly pleased.

"Tony, let's not."  
"Why not?"  
"Just, no."  
"Why not?"  
"Because I said no."

"He is so, beautifully, adorably, shy," Tony said to the reporter, still dragging Bruce along while he dug in his heels and tried to escape. She smiled at him like a woman smiles at a child. _Patronising bitch_, Bruce thought, but of course he'd never say that out loud. The other guy rumbled his agreement.

"Tony, I swear to God I will Hulk-out."  
"Deliberately? Can you even use that as a threat?"

"Yes. I can and I will."

Tony shrugged and pushed him into a chair, "Meh. The other guy likes me."  
"He doesn't _like_ anyone."  
"He likes _me_. He saved my life."

Bruce folded his arms and scowled, "He won't like you now."  
"Are you going to tell him that?"

"Uh, yeah. I'm going to say 'Hulk, smash Tony'."

"He wouldn't do that. We're best buddies," Tony said, directing his words to the stunned woman and punching Bruce in the shoulder.

"_This_ is Dr Robert Banner?"  
"Bruce," Bruce corrected.

"Yeah, Bruce. Robert? Really?" He looked at Bruce.

"It's… Bruce. My _proper _name is Robert. But everyone's always called me Bruce. Bruce is just... Better."  
"Yeah, I know that. But how does _she_ know that?"  
"Um?"

The reporter looked sheepish.

"Seriously, how did you know that?"

She shrugged, "I did some work on the Hulk just after the accident. We spoke to people who knew Dr Banner."  
"Wonderful."

Bruce felt very out of his league and very out of his comfort zone. Tony was in his element.

"Stop being so _tense_," Tony muttered in Bruce's ear as the woman took a picture of them on her phone.

"Why would you do this to me?"  
"Calm down. You're a superhero. It's what we do."

"Maybe what _you_ do. You know, when you're not doing the penguin thing."  
"Penguin thing?"  
"Yeah, you know the," Bruce put his arms out in an imitation of Iron Man flying.

Tony scoffed, "Yeah, well at least I don't do the _gorilla_ thing, King Kong."

The reporter laughed, shrilly, and something pulsed under Bruce's skin. He forced himself to smile. _Tony_ could joke. She couldn't. Somewhere inside of him the big guy agreed with him for a second time.

Hm. That couldn't be good.

"It's lovely to see how _well_ you two get along!" She said, but it was sickly sweet. "Especially with how Dr Banner _is_."

Tony and Bruce both bristled at this.

"What do you mean by that, hm?" Tony asked, anger flashing in his eyes. "What? Coz he sometimes is the Hulk he can't be my friend, is that it?"  
"No, it's just, usually your friends are more," the reporter searched for the right word, but couldn't find it.

"More?" Tony asked, not ready to let this lie. Bruce wished he would. The Hulk wasn't impressed at the idea that the man inside of the little buzzy flashy thing couldn't be his friend.

The reporter smiled awkwardly, still trying to reach the right word.

"Just more… glamorous. That's all."

"Glamorous, geez. Am I really that shallow?"

The reporter laughed again, fake as anything. Bruce was holding on as best as he could but the Hulk really was _not_ impressed. He should warn Tony.

"Of course not," she brushed off the question lightly.

"How about we talk about your misunderstanding with the army a while back, Mr Stark?"

Bruce laughed, "Is that the one they broadcast on television? Man, you really showed yourself up there."  
Tony turned to Bruce, half irritated and half intrigued, "You saw that?"  
"I think the world saw that, Tony."  
"What do you mean I showed myself up?"  
"Well, you were acting like a child. Some of your answers were classic. And then you threw that little tantrum. You know the, _"you can't have it!" _thing? Geez, I felt sorry for Pepper. She looked absolutely _horrified_ sat behind you."  
"I did it in _style_, Bruce. You just don't get _style_."

Bruce held up his hands, "Alright, alright. I saw you drive that race car too."

"Banner, have you actually been stalking me?"  
"No, you just had some fans in the lab."

"I'm honestly, really flattered."

Bruce raised an eyebrow, "I'm sure you are."  
"But don't copy the facial hair. I know I have fans that do that. It's cool, and everything, but not if I live with them. Then it's just creepy."

Bruce frowned, "What," and pointed around his own face in a rough imitation of Tony's facial hair, "That? No. I don't want that." Bruce sounded disgusted.

"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Uh, that I like being clean shaven?"  
"I bet you couldn't even _grow_ a beard."  
"I can. But that's not a beard."

"It is."  
"How?"  
"Coz I say it is. It's the Stark trademark beard."  
"Why do you have the gaps? Like, that bit there," he prodded Tony in the jaw. "Why don't you just let it all grow together? Seems kinda weird that you even thought of that."  
"It's a moustache and a goatee all in one. And it's _cool_, Bruce. Honestly. You need to get out more."

Bruce raised his eyebrow, and the reporter looked stunned in the kind of way people look when they have two bickering children dumped on them and yet had no idea they'd be looking after them.

"So, um, Mr Stark, I was just wondering if I could ask you a few questions about your family?"

Tony was stunned for a second.

"Um, what?"  
"Your father. From what I heard you didn't have a great relationship with him."

It was Tony's turn to look awkward now. He fake smiled, baring his teeth, "I dunno where you get your information from, but-"

"How did you feel when he sent you away to boarding school?"

"Why is that even relevant now?"

Bruce's spine was tensing, his heart rate increasing. Seemingly, the other guy didn't like the woman in front of them one bit, especially now that she was upsetting Tony. And he'd like to let her know himself. Bruce wasn't sure he could hold on.

"Tony," Bruce muttered.

Tony was getting more and more wound up by the second, "Seriously. You come here to do a piece about me and me and my buddies saving the world and all you care about is digging dirt up from my past? Where do you get off?"

"_Tony_," Bruce said between clenched teeth, his tone more insistent.

"What, Bruce?"

Tony spun to look at his friend and his eyebrows rose up his forehead. He recognised _that_ look.

"I don't think the other guy _likes_ her very much."

Tony looked at the reporter and shrugged, "Yeah. I get that."

"Excuse me?" She said, standing up and looking very startled as she stared at Bruce, doubled over in pain.

"_Tony, get her out!"_

"You heard the man," Tony said, ushering her to the door. "And how about you _don't _write that article. Because now I think about it, it was never going to be a good idea, was it? I should really start listening to Pepper."

"And Pepper is?"  
"My girlfriend. A steady, wonderful girlfriend. Who isn't rich. Or famous. Or any other stereotype that I seem to have become over the years. Just like Bruce is my best friend. One who again isn't famous, or rich, or, like, in a boyband or something. On who's funny and clever and totally not fake. Oh, and one last thing. You wanna know about my dad, yeah? Well shove this in your pipe and smoke it. _He'd be proud!"_

The door slammed in the woman's face. She looked appalled. Tony wasn't sure whether or not he'd just lived up to her expectations or whether he'd crushed them. He wasn't sure what he was aiming for, and so didn't know whether he'd achieved it or not. He did need to congratulate Bruce on his quick thinking though. The man really was a genius.

Tony danced back into the room and knocked knuckles with Bruce, a smirk planted firmly on his face.

"Science bros! Nice call, big guy!"

Bruce fell to his knees, ripping off his shirt. Tony stopped dead and stared at him, trying to get a look at his eyes.

"Wait, you're _actually_ hulking out?" Tony's eyes widened as Bruce's skin turned green. "To the Hulk-out room!"

Pepper walked in as Tony was trying to drag Bruce out and Bruce was inadvertently hindering Tony's efforts by trying to force himself _not_ to turn into the Hulk.

"Hey, boys."  
"Pepper, help me drag Bruce to the Hulk-out room."

Pepper screamed, "Oh my god! It's happening? What? Right now?"  
"You don't need to do the squealing thing, just help me!"

They half carried him to the room and dumped him down in the middle, backing away to the door. Pepper screamed again, her eyes widening as she pointed behind Tony and something in Tony wondered how she just wasn't used to these things now and why she was still screaming even after all of the times he'd saved her and the world from threats that shouldn't really exist. Surely now it was just one of those little fucked up things that occasionally happened in their lives? I mean, you have Bruce Banner as your boyfriends best friend, surely you're gonna expect a Hulk-out now and again, right? You'd not be all screamy when it happened because you'd be expecting it. And anyway, it's actually pretty damned cool, when you think about it because, really –

And then he heard heavy snorting behind him and he stopped dead, that thought process totally thrown out of the window and replaced with massive alarms and flashing red lights and sirens and shit. Okay, he thought, come on Tony. This guy's saved your life. You keep saying he's not all bad. Just use your charm.

He turned around, hands raised as if he was calming some sort of very big, very green, rage filled horse. He tried a smile.

"Hey there big guy. Remember me?"

The Hulks eyes narrowed and Tony was _praying_ that Bruce was still in there somewhere. Thinking, come on Bruce, look at me.

The Hulk was thinking that the red and gold man looked strange without his red and gold shiny bits. All small and pathetic, holding up his hands and smiling with his too white teeth. He needed _something_ to look after him. Or else he'd never get by in life. And, he was one of the only people that didn't smell of fear. Sure, he was alarmed. But not scared. Not like the lady in the doorway whose heart was going to fall out of her chest in a minute if she didn't calm down.

"Yeah, see. Me. You stopped me from dying from falling out the sky, remember? I'm just not metal now."

Hulk thought over the word metal and decided he liked it. It fit. He also liked how the _metal _-man could make things smash without touching them with his fists. Hulk liked making things smash with his fists, but flashlight-ing them to smash was pretty cool too.

The Hulk's jaw set and Tony was pretty convinced that he was going to be flattened right in front of his poor, mistreat girlfriend when the Hulk sat down, the floor shaking, with something akin to a smile on his face. He liked the not-metal man as much as the metal man. Even if he couldn't smash things now.

"Hulk don't like woman."

Tony glanced at Pepper, and she looked confused.

"Woman made not-metal metal man upset."

Tony laughed, "See, I knew you liked me! Atta boy! And, it's Tony. That's easier than 'not-metal metal man'. But we're the same person."

"Hulk know you the same. Hmm. Tony," Hulk muttered, his voice rumbling through the room.

The Hulk thought on this, his hand running over the floor. So when he wasn't metal-man, he was Tony. He caught a glimpse of Bruce's thoughts. Bruce always called him Tony. Bruce was upset at the woman too. This caused rage to build in the Hulk.

The Hulk scowled, "Woman make Hulk mad."

Tony's face fell from the smile that had set there, and he turned to run for the door, "Pepper, get out!"

Tony slammed the door shut behind him just as a chair hit where his head was a second before. Damn, and he thought he was making headway. Then again, maybe he was. No one else had had a conversation with the Hulk. The Hulk didn't know anyone _else's_ names. He exhaled a sense of pride coursing through him and a smile gracing his features and looked up, straight into Pepper's angry eyes.

She stood with her hands on her hips, her face set in _that_ expression and her foot tapping against the floor. He really needed to make Bruce somehow less cute. Even when he was a giant green rage monster bashing things about in the room behind them, women _still_ wanted to protect him. Tony was almost envious at how he somehow managed to make every woman in the world go all maternal over him.

"What?"  
"I _told_ you that article was bad news! Look what you did to Bruce!"  
"Me?"

Tony sighed and threw his arms up into the air. He really never could win.


End file.
